My dad…the one who is usually right. The one who usually
made me the angriest, but was usually right. The one who always tried to help,
even when I did not want it. The one who reminded me of the things I already
knew but was going to learn the hard way on anyway.
He always told me ‘Just slow down, Kate’. I always said ‘ok’
or huffed, or rolled my eyes…but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized how
valuable those few words are. Just. Slow. Down. I always talk about sitting and
enjoying the small moments, and I’m pretty darn good at telling others to do
it…but when it comes to my own life I’m realizing how crummy I am at this. I
rarely force myself to slow down and be in the moment. Sounds great. Rarely
happens. As I’ve said before, life gets in the way of life. However, I’m
realizing that life has gotten in the way of living. Truly living…breathing it in, stopping to look, settling
long enough to really hear what is around me….sitting in the window to look at
the snow fall instead of just wishing it would stop so that I could move on
with what I wanted to do….with what I thought I needed to be doing. This all
had smacked me in the face when Gram passed away, but I’ve managed to sink back
in to ‘I don’t have time for that’, unfortunately. Selfishly, it is something I
appreciate about the cycle of life…when those things happen that take our heart
out of our chest and force us to just STOP. It’s usually surrounded by pain,
but it is damn beautiful when it happens.
“Just slow down”. Although this usually meant that I was
rushing and dropped something, or was driving too fast, or I ran around the
corner and smacked in to someone, he meant more with it. He was reacting to
this sense of urgency that I’ve always seemed to carry with me. If someone
asked me if ‘slow and appreciative’ is how I live my life, I’d say yes. I’d
love to have yes be the truth…it’s something I want and admire. However, if I’m
honest and truly reflective, I move fast. I love hard, am constantly searching
for something new, worry about the unknown, and have a very hard time being in each and every moment. I
find a lot of beauty in the way I currently live, but I see a lot of need to
slow down. In fact, the last time I remember truly sitting and soaking
everything in was on a super breezy day in March in Sierra Leone. I was laying
in the hammock and baby M was sitting in my lap, stretched out along the crease
of my legs. We sat for hours, going in and out of sleeping, making noises,
giggling, just watching him in all of his perfectness. He brought peace, and I
remember what that day smelled like, what his tiny fingers felt like wrapped
around mine, and the sound of his mouth opening to smile…I was living and
breathing in that moment. I miss that feeling…that alive, peaceful, joyful
feeling.
I have always said that I can’t wait to have kids. I can’t
wait to be married. I can’t wait to own my first home. I can’t wait to feel
settled and nest in to my home. I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait. In a
lot of ways, I feel like I’m constantly waiting on the next something…and
although this mindset is great in some ways, my waiting causes me to forget the
reality of not only where I am, but what I am waiting on. Yes, I want kids….but
when I do I might wish at times that I had fully lived my time alone to the
fullest. I’m sure I’ll love being married…but I also know that I love having my
own space and time alone. I’ll probably love my home and constantly be in a
state of redecorating…but I also love my super cheap rent and that I have a
landlord who will replace light bulbs and fix broken appliances for me.
Just slow down.
I find myself looking back often…over the last few days,
weeks, even months. I look back at the time I’ve had since coming back to the
states and I honestly wonder where it went. I have been back for just shy of a
year…a year…a year of saying ‘I can’t wait to go back’. I had moments of truly
being in the moment while I was here, but I was still saying and believing the
same thing. I can’t wait.
I needed to wait. I still need to wait…to slow down. To be
here emotionally, spiritually, and physically. To be in the present, breathing
in each day in the best way I can. There will always be something to look
forward to, the next step, the next move, the next love…something.
I don’t want to look back and see that I was always waiting,
never feeling fully satisfied with now. Because next will turn in to now, which
will have a next, which will turn in to now. Aligning myself with God and what
He sees in that moment is SO powerful... I was recently reading a book called
“The Best Yes” and there is a part in the book that talks about finding and
feeling that moment…big or small…and saying ‘yes’. Not waiting for something
huge and magical to happen, but seeing the huge amount of magic in the tiniest
of moments. It’s SO hard to do…to truly do each day, but I think it’s worth
trying.
I want to stop looking back and wondering where it went. I
want to have more days in the hammock where my senses feel alive. I want to look
my friends in the eyes and truly appreciate their presence and tell them. I
want to remember how it feels to sit under a blanket while the snow falls, or
how the cold air feels when I walk inside after a lot walk with a friend on a
summer day. I want to remember the sound of fire crackling or music playing. I
don’t want to be a hamster on a wheel that just does what is comfortable,
regular, and expected.
I’m working on it, and I’m sure tomorrow I will smack myself
in the head and be reminded of what I felt today. I’m sure I’ll do it many more
times, and that I’ll hear my dad’s voice…’Just slow down, Kate’.
I’m so grateful for that voice… for the regular reminder
that life goes WAY too fast…so incredibly fast. Why rush through it? Next will
come, and now will be gone.
Don’t miss now. It’s too precious and beautiful to forget….and
if it isn’t, you're probably missing what is unforgettable about it.
