There is a song I used to pray with. The song speaks about
fearlessly being pulled closer to Christ…..closer to what He asks of us, and
asking for more from Him.
I used to BEG for more from Him. Beg for a clearer
understanding of what He wanted me to do with this life. I, with certainty,
wanted to be fully immersed in a life that was calling me to greater depths, to
a place that was closer to Him and further away from the ‘me’ that I knew. I
wanted to grow, rely on Him more, and get back to the person I was when I was
the most reliant on Him, and then some. I wanted more reliance, and more of an
opportunity to glorify Him through service and obedience.
This song speaks specifically, saying ‘come and do whatever
You want to.’ Did I really understand what I was asking for? Did I really mean
it when I repeated these lyrics saying ‘Would You take me back to the place
where my heart was only about You? Whatever it looks like, whatever may come, I
am Yours.’
Did I really want to go back to the place where I felt so
vulnerable, so lonely, and so broken? Did I really want to be back in that
place where I was so open and transparent with myself? With others?
I was so sure that that is what I NEEDED and what I wanted.
And then things changed. I sunk back in to a life that was less focused on Him
and more focused on my regular comforts. I fell back in to a place where I was
more concerned with what others thought of me, rather than who I needed to
focus on.
And then things changed…….I was given an opportunity. One
that excited me, terrified me, and that I felt flat out unqualified for. I
wasn’t sure if this opportunity was one I should take, or one I even wanted.
I was given the opportunity to work as a Director for the
orphanage that I had previously volunteered at in Sierra Leone. It was a dream.
It was something I had only imagined I could do one day. ONE day. Not today. Today
couldn’t be the day I said yes to something like this. I have a home here…..I
have some of the best friends I’ve ever had…..I have wine……I have a really good
bed with a REALLY good warm comforter that just wouldn’t work with the heat in
Sierra Leone.
But I said yes……..I don’t think I was fully understanding
what I was saying yes to….but I knew that that was my answer.
I spent the next several months with almost just this
prepared answer to the common questions: Why are you going? Because I feel
called to do so. How long will you be gone? Probably about two years, but I
ultimately don’t know. When do you leave? May 17th. Are you ready?
No, but I will be.
I will be. I will get there. I will feel ready when the time
comes. I will get there…..but I’m not there yet.
I felt this knot in my throat every time I answered – being
aware that I wasn’t fully grasping what I was saying….or that this was about to
be where my life was taking me. I have a major reason for saying yes, and one
that I can’t share on here yet…..but one that has driven my very decisions and
thoughts throughout this. I knew why, but did I fully understand what I was
doing?
Absolutely not.
Last week I had a big meltdown, which consisted of my first
true panic attack. I had the first moment where I REALLY realized what I was
doing. I had the first moment where I fully grasped the life I am leaving…..and
fell in to this deep fear and grief for what I am losing.
I. Lost. It.
Couldn’t breath, called my friend and told her I needed her
to come over. Called my other friend to walk me through it until the first
friend showed up. I had never felt anything like it……the feeling that I
couldn’t catch my breath, or physically stand, and that I had gotten myself in
to something so much larger than I could handle.
I have spent so many days wondering why I was still putting
one foot in front of the other. Why I wasn’t stopping this. Why I wasn’t
turning back and just staying put…..right in my happy place. And then I
remembered…….
I asked for this. I asked to be completely submerged in
this. I specifically asked the Lord to put me in over my head. I told Him that
no matter it looked like I would be obedient.
I asked for this for a reason. Because I KNEW it would lead
to a better relationship with God. I knew that it would allow me to sink deep
in to what He knows I’m capable of doing. It was going to take me back to a
place that was hard, yes, but so so worth it. It was going to take me back to
me……as I find myself in Him.
A sweet, sweet friend told me (during one of worse moments)
that there is only one difference between fear and excitement. The bring the
same physical feelings….but one is expecting the worst, and one is hoping for
the best.
Let that one sink in.
You can ask to be thrown in to the water, and freak out when
it happens. Or you can realize that it is exactly where you are supposed to be,
or where you asked to be, and you can swim your hardest, in awe of a God that is absolutely
100% going to draw you closer to Him because of it. You can stand in total
amazement that you’re about to experience something incredible.
I am completely in over my head, and I couldn’t imagine
being anywhere else….because I’m choosing excitement. I’m choosing to not
thrash around and freak out, but to stand and wait for the show.
