It Really Is a Merry Christmas...

Our house has always been the holiday catch-all....there is never just family there, always a friend or five, and it's always great. We always open packages up first thing in the morning, and then my parents make breakfast while my sister and I organize things, clean up the wrapping paper, watch TV, and usually make jokes about my parents in some way or another. The dog is always getting in to anything and everything, and the house stays full of amazing smells all day.

Christmas is Christmas, and it always has been. It has always been about family coming together, celebrating Jesus, giving gifts, making amazing food, eating way too many sugary treats, playing games, and laying around all day with family and friends.

As today approached, I knew that I would miss home, but I didn't realize that when I skyped my family in the morning, that I would wish I could smell the biscuits and gravy, or cuddle my dog while playing cards with my sister and her boyfriend. I instantly thought about all of the small things that I didn't really realize I had noticed before.

There were many things I missed, and many people I missed even more. But today, was a darn good Christmas.

I didn't wake up instantly thinking about the gifts I had under the tree. I didn't wake up and wonder what I would wear for the day, or worry about my hair or make-up. Let's make it clear that there are days where when I DEFINITELY need to protect the eye-sight of others...but Christmas Day wasn't one of those days....

Today, I was simply excited to just be surrounded by happy people, go to the Christmas morning service, and spend the day laughing, cooking, and making the day ONLY about the spirit of Christmas.

Don't get me wrong.....I love presents. They make me smile, and I LOVE giving gifts. Gift giving is my love language, and I won't ever be upset to receive something wrapped with a big, pretty bow....BUT, it was truly nice to have a day that is so commonly fluffed with materials to just simply be about the Holiday.....about Jesus, family, friends, laughs, messed-up schedules, messy floors, and love.

I am not intending this to be a judgement at all on the way people spend their holidays....because if I were in America, I would be perfectly happy with the good 'ol way we have always celebrated. I simply feel blessed to experience the holiday the way I did today. It was a new and beautiful perspective on the holiday, and will likely impact the way I celebrate Christmas in the future. I don't know what it will look like, but I know that today changed my Christmas.

Still at 9:00pm, you can hear parties, loud music, people celebrating, fireworks, good times, and there is still a lingering smell of amazing food. I can hear people laughing, and just a few minutes ago, some of the kids praying.

Today was different.
Today was hard.
Today was good.
Today was Christmas.

I hope each of you had a beautiful Christmas. Whatever it was surrounded around,  I hope it was filled with love, family, laughs, and good food. I hope each of you feel nourished and complete at the end of your holiday.....and that you are reminded, once more, of the beauty of a family.

Lots of love and many hugs to you all........MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The Big Grey Lingering Blob

Grey

When I try to focus on my thoughts and feelings lately, I see grey.

I have quickly turned to the next thing, or just sat and either prayed or cried. The people who have been here have seen my ugly cry more than once (with occasional snot)…..but I haven’t felt any different afterwards

I keep feeling like the next ‘let out’ will release something, or that when I write I will process through things. But I realized that I haven’t really been processing anything. Things make sense, and things have already changed since I got here…….but the feeling of lingering grey hasn't.

The feeling of everything coming together in to one giant blob hasn’t changed.

The nagging pain of how much I miss home hasn’t changed. I haven’t worked through the things I’ve seen, or prepared myself for what I haven’t seen yet that will shake me to my core.

I can’t get certain things out of my head, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

I can’t stop thinking about two kids, one with polio, who sleep on dirt, smile the biggest when one of us throw a snack bar over the wall to them, have still greeted me with “How de body?” after being abused, and help out around the center moving water or cleaning just to be here with other kids.

I can’t get the vision out of my head of a man with a bleeding stab wound right after a fight downtown, who probably didn’t have money to get it looked at, and acted out of anger or out of the mentality that living here is a survival game most of the time.

I can’t stop thinking about how some people here are treated like pure dirt from people who have moved here from other countries, who make it known that they have deemed themselves superior to Sierra Leoneans. I would prefer to smack them.

I hate bats, and spiders, and all the other questionable things that tend to hang around....and no, I'm not getting 'used' to it. No one gets 'used' to those creepy things.

I cringe every time I see a scar on a child. Wondering where it came from, and was it painful? Did they cry and nobody heard it?

I hate watching my friend’s kids go to bed, knowing it’s one more night that they aren’t with their family, or any family for that matter.

And I HATE seeing the kids cry. I don’t care if it’s just because a toy got taken away from them….I hate it. They don’t deserve to feel sad, or alone, or afraid….ever. No child deserves it, and it’s painful. Their tears aren’t just ‘scraped knee’ tears…..they are tears that could’ve been lovingly wiped by parents, or tears that would fall on a teddy bear, warm, and smelling of home.

Despite the complaining, there are many things I love and will desperately miss about this place when I eventually return to the states.

I love the caregivers here. People who may not have the best circumstances at home, but come here, every day, sometimes for several days, and give their all to the kids. They wipe their tears, pick them up when they fall, and help them establish a strong faith.

I love seeing the kids smile, even when they are up to no good.

I love hearing the drunk rooster behind our house every morning....it truly makes me giggle every time.

I love that the kids are still innocent despite having to grow up so quickly, and see so many more good things than we do, as adults.

I cry at the sound of them worshiping all together, every time. The tears don’t always fall, but they are there.

I love when kids tell me “my mom/dad is coming back for me!”

I love that everyone helps one another……each time I leave the center I see someone helping another people. Be it across the street, carrying bags, giving a ride, carrying a child for someone else…..something. There is always something good to see.

I love watching people meet the kids for the first time. The way their world is instantly changed…..you can see in their eyes that they will never be the same.

I also love how the kids take about 5 minutes of first impression time, and then go right back to the ornery ways....

I am exactly where I am supposed to be….despite the feeling that all the colors are mushing together in to one big blob.

I’m sure it will fade, and I’m sure it won’t be soon. But that’s okay. A sweet friend reminded me yesterday that it is good to experience a little loneliness…..to really help me find myself. And although the idea of that SUCKS to me, I know it has to happen.

I know that the crummy feelings, without an escape, will draw me closer to myself and God…..and although I may not appreciate it in the moment and wish for some chocolate or wine to melt into…..it is good.

Grey may not be an enjoyable color, but eventually, it will be the most important one.