The Big Grey Lingering Blob

Grey

When I try to focus on my thoughts and feelings lately, I see grey.

I have quickly turned to the next thing, or just sat and either prayed or cried. The people who have been here have seen my ugly cry more than once (with occasional snot)…..but I haven’t felt any different afterwards

I keep feeling like the next ‘let out’ will release something, or that when I write I will process through things. But I realized that I haven’t really been processing anything. Things make sense, and things have already changed since I got here…….but the feeling of lingering grey hasn't.

The feeling of everything coming together in to one giant blob hasn’t changed.

The nagging pain of how much I miss home hasn’t changed. I haven’t worked through the things I’ve seen, or prepared myself for what I haven’t seen yet that will shake me to my core.

I can’t get certain things out of my head, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

I can’t stop thinking about two kids, one with polio, who sleep on dirt, smile the biggest when one of us throw a snack bar over the wall to them, have still greeted me with “How de body?” after being abused, and help out around the center moving water or cleaning just to be here with other kids.

I can’t get the vision out of my head of a man with a bleeding stab wound right after a fight downtown, who probably didn’t have money to get it looked at, and acted out of anger or out of the mentality that living here is a survival game most of the time.

I can’t stop thinking about how some people here are treated like pure dirt from people who have moved here from other countries, who make it known that they have deemed themselves superior to Sierra Leoneans. I would prefer to smack them.

I hate bats, and spiders, and all the other questionable things that tend to hang around....and no, I'm not getting 'used' to it. No one gets 'used' to those creepy things.

I cringe every time I see a scar on a child. Wondering where it came from, and was it painful? Did they cry and nobody heard it?

I hate watching my friend’s kids go to bed, knowing it’s one more night that they aren’t with their family, or any family for that matter.

And I HATE seeing the kids cry. I don’t care if it’s just because a toy got taken away from them….I hate it. They don’t deserve to feel sad, or alone, or afraid….ever. No child deserves it, and it’s painful. Their tears aren’t just ‘scraped knee’ tears…..they are tears that could’ve been lovingly wiped by parents, or tears that would fall on a teddy bear, warm, and smelling of home.

Despite the complaining, there are many things I love and will desperately miss about this place when I eventually return to the states.

I love the caregivers here. People who may not have the best circumstances at home, but come here, every day, sometimes for several days, and give their all to the kids. They wipe their tears, pick them up when they fall, and help them establish a strong faith.

I love seeing the kids smile, even when they are up to no good.

I love hearing the drunk rooster behind our house every morning....it truly makes me giggle every time.

I love that the kids are still innocent despite having to grow up so quickly, and see so many more good things than we do, as adults.

I cry at the sound of them worshiping all together, every time. The tears don’t always fall, but they are there.

I love when kids tell me “my mom/dad is coming back for me!”

I love that everyone helps one another……each time I leave the center I see someone helping another people. Be it across the street, carrying bags, giving a ride, carrying a child for someone else…..something. There is always something good to see.

I love watching people meet the kids for the first time. The way their world is instantly changed…..you can see in their eyes that they will never be the same.

I also love how the kids take about 5 minutes of first impression time, and then go right back to the ornery ways....

I am exactly where I am supposed to be….despite the feeling that all the colors are mushing together in to one big blob.

I’m sure it will fade, and I’m sure it won’t be soon. But that’s okay. A sweet friend reminded me yesterday that it is good to experience a little loneliness…..to really help me find myself. And although the idea of that SUCKS to me, I know it has to happen.

I know that the crummy feelings, without an escape, will draw me closer to myself and God…..and although I may not appreciate it in the moment and wish for some chocolate or wine to melt into…..it is good.

Grey may not be an enjoyable color, but eventually, it will be the most important one.