It doesn’t feel okay to ‘be okay’

A friend said to me not too long ago “Even when it’s not okay, it’s okay.”

I have clung to that. It was a breath that I needed. It was a message that came at the right time for me.

Since arriving back to the states, it hasn’t been okay. It has been absolutely wonderful to see family and friends……I missed them more than I had realized while I was gone. I filled back up gaps that I didn’t realize were there while I was gone. I was able to sit and eat dinner with my family, laugh, talk, and play games. I was able to sit on the porch and talk with Lana. I was able to call Jamie and not spend $100 just chatting. I was able to sit on the big red couch with Liz and watch TV like we used to (while indulging in a snack that is the opposite of healthy).

I was able to spend time with Gram, and be here to tell her goodbye. I was able to thank her for the life she gave me, and was able to kiss her on the cheek and watch Jesus take her home.

My cup has overflown with the comfort of being back, with the familiarities that lie within being with the ones you love most and who love you back the same.

I have tried being consistently positive about it, listening to those who say ‘Thank God you’re home”. I want to feel the same. I want to be thankful that I am healthy and safe, more so than I do on a regular basis. But I can’t get there.

I feel completely detached from where I feel I am supposed to be. I feel like my heart is split in to two pieces; thankfulness and anger. It’s hard for me to hear people say, “I bet you’re so relieved to be here.” or “Man, glad you got out”. Yes, I am happy to be healthy. But it is not as simple as ‘Sierra Leone isn’t healthy, and America is good’. The one that got me the most was when someone said ‘Can you imagine if you were there right now?!’ Uh, yes. I can! It is my home.

About a month in to life in SL, I had a shift. I hit a time where I was able to reflect on the difference between what I expected to change and what had actually changed. And to be honest, not that much changed. I had exposure to new things, I met new people, but not that much in life actually changed! I am still me. God is still God. And life still keeps moving forward: heartache, joy, pain, love, and death.

I had been expecting a change with a closed mind. As if America was THE place to be, and all these other places were below America. That sounds bad, but it is the truth in terms of where my thinking was. SL was an ‘experience’……it was a ride that I would one day get off of.

That mindset was crap. Sierra Leone, just like any other place in the world, was life. There are people there that I grew to love the same way I love people here at ‘home’. There were struggles that we all worked through, moments we rejoiced over, deaths that we mourned, and lives that we celebrated. I learned to LIVE there.

Coming back to the US hasn’t been the return from a vacation, or getting off of a ride at the carnival that proved to be a dangerous one. Coming to the US was leaving home….and in parts it felt like leaving life; leaving what I thought was supposed to be my life at that time. And I know I am not alone in that feeling, as many missionaries have had to return to their previous home as a result of Ebola.

They aren’t ‘returning home’ because of something bad in this far away place……they have had to watch their home, neighbors, and friends go through something horrible, and then leave that place. It feels like abandonment in a way, I guess. Leaving them behind. Leaving that place behind.

‘See ya when you’re safe’ doesn’t feel acceptable, right, or good at all.

It doesn’t feel okay to know that I’m okay.

It doesn’t feel okay to know that I am safe, look through the computer at the kids and staff and know they are stuck.

It doesn’t feel okay to hear them say ‘Auntie Kate, please keep praying, we are scared’.

This isn’t okay.

It will be okay……and when that day comes, we will celebrate life; the lives that ended and the ones still pushing forward. Sierra Leone, and surrounding countries, will get back up, dust of the dirt, and continue forward just like they always do.

Their faith will not waver in this time, and their strength will not weaken. They are strong, beautiful, and wonderful.

They are heroes.

I miss it terribly, and it doesn’t feel okay. It will, because God is faithful and restorative. 

If you happen to have friends who have had to leave the mission field to this, or anything similar, wrap your arms around them and let them grieve. It’s not like running away from something bad. It’s watching something beautiful become overtaken by something devastating, and it puts a pain in the pit of your stomach that is sickening. Love them, and understand that although they are now 'safe', their heart may still be across the water. 

Please continue to pray for those affected by the virus. The enemy is roaring, but he will not rise up. He never has, and never will. Sierra Leone isn't done fighting, and they never will be :) 

It doesn’t feel okay to ‘be okay’..….. and that’s okay.