For Gram

I take it back. When I said that the sweet moment with my Gram was just a step in the plan……I take it back. It WAS the plan. Or at least a big big part of it.

Gram spent the next 6 days in the hospital, squeezing our hands and nodding in order to communicate. She looked us in the eye, and even managed to let out a few smiles here and there. We kept her comfortable, prayed, jumped up every time we heard a beep, waited, didn’t sleep, prayed some more, and continued to wait.

In those 6 days, I thought about EVERYTHING. As many memories I had with her that I could think of…..sorting through pictures to try to remember more. Talking with her, telling her stories, trying to grasp every second of our time. I felt guilty when I wasn’t at the hospital, and struggled with the balance of continuing to live ‘life’ during this tragedy. But what I was missing….although it sounds obvious….is that IS life. We have our plans…..our ideas of what we should be doing, need to do, should have done. But the saying ‘life gets in the way’ has always been slightly confusing to me.

Life gets in the way of………life? It makes NO sense!

The good, the bad, the ugly, the confusing, the messy, the funny….it IS life. Even when we don’t want it, or expect it, or ask for it…..it’s LIFE. Living isn’t just embracing the exciting things, or doing as many things as possible. Sometimes, living LIFE is just being in the moment…..dropping what’s around you and being there….mind, body, and spirit. If it’s different from what we thought we should be doing on Tuesday, because our to-do list is big and there’s no time for fun, whatever it is has BECOME your Tuesday.

I planned on painting my Grandma’s nails on Tuesday. I planned on sitting with her at the hospital, painting our nails, and watching Ellen on TV. I planned to run to Meijer to grab a few pictures frames for her home that I would fill with pictures of my sister and I with her and Gramps. I planned on getting fast food because I didn’t want to take the time to cook anything…….and I planned on calling back a friend who had called a few days prior.

At 5:50am on Tuesday, my Gram passed away. Things took a turn for the worse overnight, and I was lucky enough to be alongside my family, holding her hands as she passed away. I witnessed the haunting feeling of someone’s last breath…..but was soon overwhelmed with the presence of peace….within us and within our Gram. A peace that only comes with one's unification with Christ. 

I’ve sat down to write this post 4 times now……each time it’s hard…unbearable almost. And I close my computer thinking that the next time will be easier….but it’s not. It’s not easier because Gram is still gone….and I can’t run over to her house and see her sitting in her blue chair. I can’t kiss her on the cheek and say ‘love ya, Gram’ anymore. It’s still painful, and I think it always will be.

However, today, I reread what I had already written……and reminded myself that this IS life. This is my Wednesday night. I don’t want to sit here right now and write this….but this is where life is right now….and pushing it away will only be throwing a ball against the wall…it’s gonna come right back and hit me in the face over and over again.

Gram was the strongest woman I have ever met. Aside from being my grandmother, she was so special to me. I loved learning from her, hearing the stories of her life. And above all, I loved watching her love and be loved by Gramps. Very few things scared Gram….she was proud of her life, knew the struggles were helpful, learned from her mistakes, and put a genuine smile on every day. Maybe not all day, and maybe only one little one some days….but she smiled every day.

She looked for beauty.

She WAS beauty.

Gram taught me to give, to do for others, to love like Christ, and to be faithful. She also taught me how to reuse wrapping paper from every holiday or event…..how to reuse anything and everything, in fact. She taught me to be patient, and to just sit and enjoy the little things. She taught me how to sew…and how to tear out almost all of my thread after several attempts to make something. She taught me how to live LIFE in so many ways…..and because of that, she is part of me, and always will be.

She wasn’t just my gram….she was, and still is, part of my soul.

The morning of her death, around 3am, I sat with Gram by myself. I was able to tell her how I felt. I was able to hold her hand and tell her just how much I love her, how grateful I am for her, how appreciative I am of everything she has done for me. I was able to tell her the things I will carry in my heart forever. She wasn’t awake, and she may not have heard it….but I know she felt it. She felt more than just my tears falling on her hand…..she felt my love. In that time, she felt the love that I should have been reminding her of each and every day. Although I could not be more grateful for the time to tell her, I did not like that I felt that sudden urge to make sure she KNEW how I felt.

And from now on, I will make sure that I don’t have to do that. I won’t ‘let life get in the way’ of that. I won’t look at my to-do list before I look at my love list. Your love list is your life……and the rest is just a filler in my opinion. Sure, we have to work, keep busy, and make some poor choices here and there…..but those things can and should work around our love list.

Tuesday evening I went to eat dinner with Gramps, and a friend of G & Gs was sitting at the table. He said 'In the end, you ask yourself.....did I live, and did I love? If you can say yes, and really mean it, there are no regrets. Take away the materials and that is all we really have. And there's a whole lot of good in those two things.'

I guess what I’m realizing is that those two things….life and love….they really are one. They work together…..and in fact, just like the rest of us, life needs love.

I don’t think the sting of her absence will ever go away……but I know that for something to hurt, you have to have experienced the opposite. For something to hurt real bad, it had to have been really wonderful…..and that’s exactly what life with Gram was. It was absolutely wonderful.

Gram, we love you so much. Still feels like you’re here, and the moments of remembering you have gone take my breath away each time. Luckily, one day we will realize you’re still here…..we will feel more peace than pain, and we will feel more joy than sorrow. We will feel your presence again, because you’ve never really left us. Souls don’t disconnect. Never have, and never will. We are so proud of and grateful for you. You were a blessing to everyone who knew you....and the imprint you've left on us is deeper than most. You are beautiful, wonderful, and everything in between. Rest well, Gram......you LIVED, you LOVED.....you did it. 

Love,

Kate