Beauty Within the Cracks

There is darkness here……lots and lots of darkness. There are things that happen that are honestly unthinkable, things I did not prepare myself for, or even expect to encounter. There are things that happen in this country that are unacceptable in my eyes, intolerable actually……but they also seem untouchable in many ways.

God is bigger.

There are things that don’t make sense…..they don’t go in order, and they don’t work like they should. There are things that seem so simple and are made to be so much more complex. Things that seem obvious, but are truly far more complicated that one could understand. Things that should require time and care, but are done quickly.

My crooked path is straight for God.

There are beautiful things…..beyond my imagination. There is strength in people that is truly heroic. There are miracles happening without question, and beauty beyond compare in the darkest of situations. There is beauty in simplicity, and beauty in complexity.

God is responsible.

This week I am overwhelmed with the people here who have truly let Jesus FILL EVERY CRACK of their hearts. Caregivers, kids, travelers, many many people. It’s not to say that the darkness doesn’t sting and ache….because it certainly does, and it doesn’t go away quickly. But being here is ultimately doing more for my heart than my mind. It isn’t about a state of mind, getting ‘used’ to tragedy, or realizing that there are things I ‘just can’t do anything about’. It’s bigger than that, and bigger than me.

It’s about letting your heart grow, learning to let your heart learn and flourish. This isn’t to say that it suddenly becomes easy, either. I don’t expect a “well, it’s meant to be, so it’s okay” frame of mind. It’s not okay. It is the hardest thing to do, especially here, even with a faith.

So, we have to learn within our hearts. We have to take what isn’t okay, and keep it deep within us. We let it push us, we let it urge us to move, and we let it encourage us to stick with something that feels so painful. Because, chances are, it’s right alongside what is indescribably beautiful…….and they will mesh together, and make your heart whole.

Let things break your heart……Nothing starts out beautiful. It grows in to it…..and for those of you that are thinking “But babies are ALWAYS cute, even from the beginning….”……I disagree. Don’t get me wrong, a fetus is an amazing thing, but it sure isn’t cute when it looks like an alien….

Don’t try to fill the cracks with a state of mind. It will only be a temporary fix, and nothing will be healing your heart during that time. Let it heal, break, grow, and break again. Keep it all within you and let it build you.

Let the ugly turn beautiful….let the dark see light…..and let your crooked paths be straight.

Walking away from it does nothing but abandon what could be truly beautiful.

For Melissa and Kaday...

I have been in Sierra Leone for only 4 days now, and things are going so well. By the time my flight got in, took a bus, took a boat, and then a car ride, I arrived at the center around 10:30pm. I went to bed almost right away, and had a pretty tough time in the morning. Thankfully a wonderful woman named Amy was right there to give me a tight squeeze along with some encouraging words. Within an hour of waking up I saw the kids, and the pain of missing home was instantly gone for quite some time. I don’t know what it is, because they don’t have that typical “light in a child’s eyes”……these kids absolutely fill every crack of my heart, while completely breaking it at the same time.

Since arriving, two moms have taken a total of 5 children home to the United States. On Sunday, two more will take 5 more kids home. By then, two more moms will be here to work on getting things organized to take their total of 5 kids home.

All of these women are warriors, pillars of strength, fighters, lovers, and heart-patchers. However, today I am focusing on one of them. This is not to minimize the AMAZEMENT I have for each and every one of these moms, but Melissa’s story has captured me, made me cry, made me thank God for His blessings, and stopped me in my tracks.

I officially met Melissa when I arrived on Friday, but had already known she had a wonderful heart and absolutely fierce love for her children at The Covering through our connection on Facebook.

Upon getting here, I learned that Melissa would only be taking three of her four children home when she was scheduled to leave on Sunday. Due to circumstances out of her and her husband’s hands, Melissa and Jeremy would have to leave their daughter behind, again.  This timestamp is unknown, and deeply painful.

Knowing this, I watched Melissa and her daughter, Kaday, interact over my first couple of days, wondering how they could be coping with it all.  I kept thinking about how I couldn’t imagine leaving one of my children behind, and having no choice. I couldn’t imagine watching my mom walk away, knowing she is taking my three brothers home, but not me.

Every thought went through my head to try and identify how they must’ve been feeling…..but I knew that I could not experience that pain, and never will.

I saw tears, but I saw more strength than anything. There were many moments that I could tell Melissa wanted to cry, deeply cry, but she didn’t. She was a true mom in those moments, showing nothing but strength, while letting Kaday feel her own emotions. I also watched Kaday….who at many times, just simply watched her mom. Most of the time it was while Melissa was doing something simple, but Kaday watched her…..

Kaday understood how painful this felt for the both of them, and Melissa knew and respected Kaday for how it all must feel to her.

It was the morning that Melissa was leaving with her three sons when I took this photo. I had been on the porch with the both of them when Kaday started to cry. Melissa scooped her up and just quietly and simply hugged and held her. I took this picture, and right as I took it, Kaday looked up.

This picture says it all for me. There is so much sadness in this picture but SO SO SO much love….unfailing, fight to the end, never give up, hold on so tight even when you have to let go, never-ending LOVE.

As Melissa said goodbye to Kaday, she said “I will come back for you”…and Kaday understood. No questions, no “but mommy”, just “okay”…..She KNOWS that her parents are and will continue to fight for her. She knows she will not be left, and she KNOWS that she is deeply loved. There is simply nothing more beautiful.

Kelly, Karen, and myself took Kaday out to lunch while Melissa and the boys actually left the center. We then went for ice cream after, at which point Kaday saw a picture of her brothers on my computer. She quietly leaned over to me and said “I miss my mom and my brothers. I love my mom and my brothers, and my dad. I wish to go home very soon to my family”…….

Melissa, you are a hero. I know that’s a big word, and it fits. You are a hero to each of your children…..and Kaday especially knows it. She truly, deeply, knows that you love her with every inch of your heart. She knows you will come back for her, and she knows you will always fight for her. I hope you have peace in knowing that God has her wrapped up in his arms, always…even when she can’t be in yours. She is safe, healthy, happy, and is LOVED.

She will come home……and I can’t wait to see your hearts truly full. 

Change

It’s been no time at all since I wrote my last post, and I’ve already contradicted it.

Change, well, it changes things.....

I wrote about letting feelings overwhelm you, embracing them, and feeling them deeply. I wrote about the beauty of being emotional, and how the only thing that may be seen as “too much” of something is honesty.….which I don’t think is possible, or bad at least.

I guess I have been pretending that today wouldn’t come……leaving the house, saying bye to my dog, driving to Chicago, saying bye to my family, and actually sitting at the terminal I will leave from. Even though it was a reality, it was something I never really emotional prepared myself for. I figured, like my last post talked about, that I would deal with the emotions as they came, let them happen, and ‘express my feelings appropriately’, as my social work friends would say.

I didn’t do that……at all.

The change was scary, and scarier than I thought it would be. It felt bigger than I thought it would, and I felt more out of control than I was comfortable with.

I shoved all of the raw emotions aside, as much as possible. I lost it with a few people….you know who you are and you can’t judge my HORRIBLE crying face……

I said goodbyes that weren’t really real to me….like saying goodbye to one of my very best friends brand new baby. Saying goodbye to my dog, realizing that his aging won’t simply stop just because I decided to leave. Saying goodbye to my family….awful.

Most people that know me well can imagine that I would be a blubbering mess, with big long hugs (Lana), and many emotional words that I muster up between wiping the snot running down my face…….but this time, I didn’t hardly come close to that majority of the time.

I was a shower crier……blasted music, sobbing, sometimes singing to the music and crying at the same time……realllllll pretty.

I turned in during this time…..expressing things in times of sadness, but usually in a text after I have left that person since I would act as if my mouth was broken when I was with them.

The words didn’t flow, and the emotions didn’t take over, because I didn’t let them. I thought I was being the ‘strong’ one in that time, but I am realizing that nothing about that made me strong, it actually made me appear weak in comparison to who I am.

I didn’t share the words I wanted to each moment, feeling afraid that I would show too much weakness, and that people may feel that I actually wasn’t equipped to handle this move. I put fear where fear didn’t belong, and I added fear where there was already enough.

I felt deeply, and I learned things about myself in the process that I didn’t share with anyone like I normally would.

I don’t regret it because I was coping with a change that I haven’t gone through before, but if I could do it again, I would do it differently.

Change changes things, and it sometimes makes you feel like you aren’t able to handle things that you’ve been handling all along, slowly working on, or allowing God to work on.

So, although I went dead against what I preached about……..I stand by what I said. Allow yourself feel deeply, let yourself love endlessly, and trust yourself to handle those emotions.

You may be brilliant at this, but I sure as heck am not. Sometimes I talk the walk, and walk the walk, until the road gets curvy….and then I go right back to just talking.

Talk, walk, feel, breath, clear your mind, support yourself, and allow others to support you. Don’t be afraid of how expression of emotions may look to others….because you have no idea what it will mean to them, and if it is true, there is no shame.

Here I go, allowing myself to love, feel, taking time to breath, and taking time to clear my mind and live in every moment, no matter how hard it looks.

It will all be okay J