Change

It’s been no time at all since I wrote my last post, and I’ve already contradicted it.

Change, well, it changes things.....

I wrote about letting feelings overwhelm you, embracing them, and feeling them deeply. I wrote about the beauty of being emotional, and how the only thing that may be seen as “too much” of something is honesty.….which I don’t think is possible, or bad at least.

I guess I have been pretending that today wouldn’t come……leaving the house, saying bye to my dog, driving to Chicago, saying bye to my family, and actually sitting at the terminal I will leave from. Even though it was a reality, it was something I never really emotional prepared myself for. I figured, like my last post talked about, that I would deal with the emotions as they came, let them happen, and ‘express my feelings appropriately’, as my social work friends would say.

I didn’t do that……at all.

The change was scary, and scarier than I thought it would be. It felt bigger than I thought it would, and I felt more out of control than I was comfortable with.

I shoved all of the raw emotions aside, as much as possible. I lost it with a few people….you know who you are and you can’t judge my HORRIBLE crying face……

I said goodbyes that weren’t really real to me….like saying goodbye to one of my very best friends brand new baby. Saying goodbye to my dog, realizing that his aging won’t simply stop just because I decided to leave. Saying goodbye to my family….awful.

Most people that know me well can imagine that I would be a blubbering mess, with big long hugs (Lana), and many emotional words that I muster up between wiping the snot running down my face…….but this time, I didn’t hardly come close to that majority of the time.

I was a shower crier……blasted music, sobbing, sometimes singing to the music and crying at the same time……realllllll pretty.

I turned in during this time…..expressing things in times of sadness, but usually in a text after I have left that person since I would act as if my mouth was broken when I was with them.

The words didn’t flow, and the emotions didn’t take over, because I didn’t let them. I thought I was being the ‘strong’ one in that time, but I am realizing that nothing about that made me strong, it actually made me appear weak in comparison to who I am.

I didn’t share the words I wanted to each moment, feeling afraid that I would show too much weakness, and that people may feel that I actually wasn’t equipped to handle this move. I put fear where fear didn’t belong, and I added fear where there was already enough.

I felt deeply, and I learned things about myself in the process that I didn’t share with anyone like I normally would.

I don’t regret it because I was coping with a change that I haven’t gone through before, but if I could do it again, I would do it differently.

Change changes things, and it sometimes makes you feel like you aren’t able to handle things that you’ve been handling all along, slowly working on, or allowing God to work on.

So, although I went dead against what I preached about……..I stand by what I said. Allow yourself feel deeply, let yourself love endlessly, and trust yourself to handle those emotions.

You may be brilliant at this, but I sure as heck am not. Sometimes I talk the walk, and walk the walk, until the road gets curvy….and then I go right back to just talking.

Talk, walk, feel, breath, clear your mind, support yourself, and allow others to support you. Don’t be afraid of how expression of emotions may look to others….because you have no idea what it will mean to them, and if it is true, there is no shame.

Here I go, allowing myself to love, feel, taking time to breath, and taking time to clear my mind and live in every moment, no matter how hard it looks.

It will all be okay J