It Really Is a Merry Christmas...

Our house has always been the holiday catch-all....there is never just family there, always a friend or five, and it's always great. We always open packages up first thing in the morning, and then my parents make breakfast while my sister and I organize things, clean up the wrapping paper, watch TV, and usually make jokes about my parents in some way or another. The dog is always getting in to anything and everything, and the house stays full of amazing smells all day.

Christmas is Christmas, and it always has been. It has always been about family coming together, celebrating Jesus, giving gifts, making amazing food, eating way too many sugary treats, playing games, and laying around all day with family and friends.

As today approached, I knew that I would miss home, but I didn't realize that when I skyped my family in the morning, that I would wish I could smell the biscuits and gravy, or cuddle my dog while playing cards with my sister and her boyfriend. I instantly thought about all of the small things that I didn't really realize I had noticed before.

There were many things I missed, and many people I missed even more. But today, was a darn good Christmas.

I didn't wake up instantly thinking about the gifts I had under the tree. I didn't wake up and wonder what I would wear for the day, or worry about my hair or make-up. Let's make it clear that there are days where when I DEFINITELY need to protect the eye-sight of others...but Christmas Day wasn't one of those days....

Today, I was simply excited to just be surrounded by happy people, go to the Christmas morning service, and spend the day laughing, cooking, and making the day ONLY about the spirit of Christmas.

Don't get me wrong.....I love presents. They make me smile, and I LOVE giving gifts. Gift giving is my love language, and I won't ever be upset to receive something wrapped with a big, pretty bow....BUT, it was truly nice to have a day that is so commonly fluffed with materials to just simply be about the Holiday.....about Jesus, family, friends, laughs, messed-up schedules, messy floors, and love.

I am not intending this to be a judgement at all on the way people spend their holidays....because if I were in America, I would be perfectly happy with the good 'ol way we have always celebrated. I simply feel blessed to experience the holiday the way I did today. It was a new and beautiful perspective on the holiday, and will likely impact the way I celebrate Christmas in the future. I don't know what it will look like, but I know that today changed my Christmas.

Still at 9:00pm, you can hear parties, loud music, people celebrating, fireworks, good times, and there is still a lingering smell of amazing food. I can hear people laughing, and just a few minutes ago, some of the kids praying.

Today was different.
Today was hard.
Today was good.
Today was Christmas.

I hope each of you had a beautiful Christmas. Whatever it was surrounded around,  I hope it was filled with love, family, laughs, and good food. I hope each of you feel nourished and complete at the end of your holiday.....and that you are reminded, once more, of the beauty of a family.

Lots of love and many hugs to you all........MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The Big Grey Lingering Blob

Grey

When I try to focus on my thoughts and feelings lately, I see grey.

I have quickly turned to the next thing, or just sat and either prayed or cried. The people who have been here have seen my ugly cry more than once (with occasional snot)…..but I haven’t felt any different afterwards

I keep feeling like the next ‘let out’ will release something, or that when I write I will process through things. But I realized that I haven’t really been processing anything. Things make sense, and things have already changed since I got here…….but the feeling of lingering grey hasn't.

The feeling of everything coming together in to one giant blob hasn’t changed.

The nagging pain of how much I miss home hasn’t changed. I haven’t worked through the things I’ve seen, or prepared myself for what I haven’t seen yet that will shake me to my core.

I can’t get certain things out of my head, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

I can’t stop thinking about two kids, one with polio, who sleep on dirt, smile the biggest when one of us throw a snack bar over the wall to them, have still greeted me with “How de body?” after being abused, and help out around the center moving water or cleaning just to be here with other kids.

I can’t get the vision out of my head of a man with a bleeding stab wound right after a fight downtown, who probably didn’t have money to get it looked at, and acted out of anger or out of the mentality that living here is a survival game most of the time.

I can’t stop thinking about how some people here are treated like pure dirt from people who have moved here from other countries, who make it known that they have deemed themselves superior to Sierra Leoneans. I would prefer to smack them.

I hate bats, and spiders, and all the other questionable things that tend to hang around....and no, I'm not getting 'used' to it. No one gets 'used' to those creepy things.

I cringe every time I see a scar on a child. Wondering where it came from, and was it painful? Did they cry and nobody heard it?

I hate watching my friend’s kids go to bed, knowing it’s one more night that they aren’t with their family, or any family for that matter.

And I HATE seeing the kids cry. I don’t care if it’s just because a toy got taken away from them….I hate it. They don’t deserve to feel sad, or alone, or afraid….ever. No child deserves it, and it’s painful. Their tears aren’t just ‘scraped knee’ tears…..they are tears that could’ve been lovingly wiped by parents, or tears that would fall on a teddy bear, warm, and smelling of home.

Despite the complaining, there are many things I love and will desperately miss about this place when I eventually return to the states.

I love the caregivers here. People who may not have the best circumstances at home, but come here, every day, sometimes for several days, and give their all to the kids. They wipe their tears, pick them up when they fall, and help them establish a strong faith.

I love seeing the kids smile, even when they are up to no good.

I love hearing the drunk rooster behind our house every morning....it truly makes me giggle every time.

I love that the kids are still innocent despite having to grow up so quickly, and see so many more good things than we do, as adults.

I cry at the sound of them worshiping all together, every time. The tears don’t always fall, but they are there.

I love when kids tell me “my mom/dad is coming back for me!”

I love that everyone helps one another……each time I leave the center I see someone helping another people. Be it across the street, carrying bags, giving a ride, carrying a child for someone else…..something. There is always something good to see.

I love watching people meet the kids for the first time. The way their world is instantly changed…..you can see in their eyes that they will never be the same.

I also love how the kids take about 5 minutes of first impression time, and then go right back to the ornery ways....

I am exactly where I am supposed to be….despite the feeling that all the colors are mushing together in to one big blob.

I’m sure it will fade, and I’m sure it won’t be soon. But that’s okay. A sweet friend reminded me yesterday that it is good to experience a little loneliness…..to really help me find myself. And although the idea of that SUCKS to me, I know it has to happen.

I know that the crummy feelings, without an escape, will draw me closer to myself and God…..and although I may not appreciate it in the moment and wish for some chocolate or wine to melt into…..it is good.

Grey may not be an enjoyable color, but eventually, it will be the most important one.

Beauty Within the Cracks

There is darkness here……lots and lots of darkness. There are things that happen that are honestly unthinkable, things I did not prepare myself for, or even expect to encounter. There are things that happen in this country that are unacceptable in my eyes, intolerable actually……but they also seem untouchable in many ways.

God is bigger.

There are things that don’t make sense…..they don’t go in order, and they don’t work like they should. There are things that seem so simple and are made to be so much more complex. Things that seem obvious, but are truly far more complicated that one could understand. Things that should require time and care, but are done quickly.

My crooked path is straight for God.

There are beautiful things…..beyond my imagination. There is strength in people that is truly heroic. There are miracles happening without question, and beauty beyond compare in the darkest of situations. There is beauty in simplicity, and beauty in complexity.

God is responsible.

This week I am overwhelmed with the people here who have truly let Jesus FILL EVERY CRACK of their hearts. Caregivers, kids, travelers, many many people. It’s not to say that the darkness doesn’t sting and ache….because it certainly does, and it doesn’t go away quickly. But being here is ultimately doing more for my heart than my mind. It isn’t about a state of mind, getting ‘used’ to tragedy, or realizing that there are things I ‘just can’t do anything about’. It’s bigger than that, and bigger than me.

It’s about letting your heart grow, learning to let your heart learn and flourish. This isn’t to say that it suddenly becomes easy, either. I don’t expect a “well, it’s meant to be, so it’s okay” frame of mind. It’s not okay. It is the hardest thing to do, especially here, even with a faith.

So, we have to learn within our hearts. We have to take what isn’t okay, and keep it deep within us. We let it push us, we let it urge us to move, and we let it encourage us to stick with something that feels so painful. Because, chances are, it’s right alongside what is indescribably beautiful…….and they will mesh together, and make your heart whole.

Let things break your heart……Nothing starts out beautiful. It grows in to it…..and for those of you that are thinking “But babies are ALWAYS cute, even from the beginning….”……I disagree. Don’t get me wrong, a fetus is an amazing thing, but it sure isn’t cute when it looks like an alien….

Don’t try to fill the cracks with a state of mind. It will only be a temporary fix, and nothing will be healing your heart during that time. Let it heal, break, grow, and break again. Keep it all within you and let it build you.

Let the ugly turn beautiful….let the dark see light…..and let your crooked paths be straight.

Walking away from it does nothing but abandon what could be truly beautiful.

For Melissa and Kaday...

I have been in Sierra Leone for only 4 days now, and things are going so well. By the time my flight got in, took a bus, took a boat, and then a car ride, I arrived at the center around 10:30pm. I went to bed almost right away, and had a pretty tough time in the morning. Thankfully a wonderful woman named Amy was right there to give me a tight squeeze along with some encouraging words. Within an hour of waking up I saw the kids, and the pain of missing home was instantly gone for quite some time. I don’t know what it is, because they don’t have that typical “light in a child’s eyes”……these kids absolutely fill every crack of my heart, while completely breaking it at the same time.

Since arriving, two moms have taken a total of 5 children home to the United States. On Sunday, two more will take 5 more kids home. By then, two more moms will be here to work on getting things organized to take their total of 5 kids home.

All of these women are warriors, pillars of strength, fighters, lovers, and heart-patchers. However, today I am focusing on one of them. This is not to minimize the AMAZEMENT I have for each and every one of these moms, but Melissa’s story has captured me, made me cry, made me thank God for His blessings, and stopped me in my tracks.

I officially met Melissa when I arrived on Friday, but had already known she had a wonderful heart and absolutely fierce love for her children at The Covering through our connection on Facebook.

Upon getting here, I learned that Melissa would only be taking three of her four children home when she was scheduled to leave on Sunday. Due to circumstances out of her and her husband’s hands, Melissa and Jeremy would have to leave their daughter behind, again.  This timestamp is unknown, and deeply painful.

Knowing this, I watched Melissa and her daughter, Kaday, interact over my first couple of days, wondering how they could be coping with it all.  I kept thinking about how I couldn’t imagine leaving one of my children behind, and having no choice. I couldn’t imagine watching my mom walk away, knowing she is taking my three brothers home, but not me.

Every thought went through my head to try and identify how they must’ve been feeling…..but I knew that I could not experience that pain, and never will.

I saw tears, but I saw more strength than anything. There were many moments that I could tell Melissa wanted to cry, deeply cry, but she didn’t. She was a true mom in those moments, showing nothing but strength, while letting Kaday feel her own emotions. I also watched Kaday….who at many times, just simply watched her mom. Most of the time it was while Melissa was doing something simple, but Kaday watched her…..

Kaday understood how painful this felt for the both of them, and Melissa knew and respected Kaday for how it all must feel to her.

It was the morning that Melissa was leaving with her three sons when I took this photo. I had been on the porch with the both of them when Kaday started to cry. Melissa scooped her up and just quietly and simply hugged and held her. I took this picture, and right as I took it, Kaday looked up.

This picture says it all for me. There is so much sadness in this picture but SO SO SO much love….unfailing, fight to the end, never give up, hold on so tight even when you have to let go, never-ending LOVE.

As Melissa said goodbye to Kaday, she said “I will come back for you”…and Kaday understood. No questions, no “but mommy”, just “okay”…..She KNOWS that her parents are and will continue to fight for her. She knows she will not be left, and she KNOWS that she is deeply loved. There is simply nothing more beautiful.

Kelly, Karen, and myself took Kaday out to lunch while Melissa and the boys actually left the center. We then went for ice cream after, at which point Kaday saw a picture of her brothers on my computer. She quietly leaned over to me and said “I miss my mom and my brothers. I love my mom and my brothers, and my dad. I wish to go home very soon to my family”…….

Melissa, you are a hero. I know that’s a big word, and it fits. You are a hero to each of your children…..and Kaday especially knows it. She truly, deeply, knows that you love her with every inch of your heart. She knows you will come back for her, and she knows you will always fight for her. I hope you have peace in knowing that God has her wrapped up in his arms, always…even when she can’t be in yours. She is safe, healthy, happy, and is LOVED.

She will come home……and I can’t wait to see your hearts truly full. 

Change

It’s been no time at all since I wrote my last post, and I’ve already contradicted it.

Change, well, it changes things.....

I wrote about letting feelings overwhelm you, embracing them, and feeling them deeply. I wrote about the beauty of being emotional, and how the only thing that may be seen as “too much” of something is honesty.….which I don’t think is possible, or bad at least.

I guess I have been pretending that today wouldn’t come……leaving the house, saying bye to my dog, driving to Chicago, saying bye to my family, and actually sitting at the terminal I will leave from. Even though it was a reality, it was something I never really emotional prepared myself for. I figured, like my last post talked about, that I would deal with the emotions as they came, let them happen, and ‘express my feelings appropriately’, as my social work friends would say.

I didn’t do that……at all.

The change was scary, and scarier than I thought it would be. It felt bigger than I thought it would, and I felt more out of control than I was comfortable with.

I shoved all of the raw emotions aside, as much as possible. I lost it with a few people….you know who you are and you can’t judge my HORRIBLE crying face……

I said goodbyes that weren’t really real to me….like saying goodbye to one of my very best friends brand new baby. Saying goodbye to my dog, realizing that his aging won’t simply stop just because I decided to leave. Saying goodbye to my family….awful.

Most people that know me well can imagine that I would be a blubbering mess, with big long hugs (Lana), and many emotional words that I muster up between wiping the snot running down my face…….but this time, I didn’t hardly come close to that majority of the time.

I was a shower crier……blasted music, sobbing, sometimes singing to the music and crying at the same time……realllllll pretty.

I turned in during this time…..expressing things in times of sadness, but usually in a text after I have left that person since I would act as if my mouth was broken when I was with them.

The words didn’t flow, and the emotions didn’t take over, because I didn’t let them. I thought I was being the ‘strong’ one in that time, but I am realizing that nothing about that made me strong, it actually made me appear weak in comparison to who I am.

I didn’t share the words I wanted to each moment, feeling afraid that I would show too much weakness, and that people may feel that I actually wasn’t equipped to handle this move. I put fear where fear didn’t belong, and I added fear where there was already enough.

I felt deeply, and I learned things about myself in the process that I didn’t share with anyone like I normally would.

I don’t regret it because I was coping with a change that I haven’t gone through before, but if I could do it again, I would do it differently.

Change changes things, and it sometimes makes you feel like you aren’t able to handle things that you’ve been handling all along, slowly working on, or allowing God to work on.

So, although I went dead against what I preached about……..I stand by what I said. Allow yourself feel deeply, let yourself love endlessly, and trust yourself to handle those emotions.

You may be brilliant at this, but I sure as heck am not. Sometimes I talk the walk, and walk the walk, until the road gets curvy….and then I go right back to just talking.

Talk, walk, feel, breath, clear your mind, support yourself, and allow others to support you. Don’t be afraid of how expression of emotions may look to others….because you have no idea what it will mean to them, and if it is true, there is no shame.

Here I go, allowing myself to love, feel, taking time to breath, and taking time to clear my mind and live in every moment, no matter how hard it looks.

It will all be okay J

'Regular' miracles

Two friends and I went a small pizza place in Washington, Illinois this week, after a sad attempt at an afternoon of 'antique shopping'......which was actually a quick stop in a candy shop, and the purchase of a table runner. Lana and Krystyn have been friends of mine for about three years now, yet when the three of us spend time together, I am regularly reminded of different beauties in life.

The relatively flavorless pizza didn't satisfy us for long, and we began to fill the time with talks. I should probably say that they talked the most, and I listened. I listened to wise people share wise stories, and I felt blessed. Call me sentimental or overly emotional, but I like it. It feels so deeply healthy to sit back sometimes and truly break down the blessings, in any given moment.

I sat and thought about the paths of life. Lana is about to have her first baby, a baby her and her husband PRAYED AND PRAYED for. A baby that will be brought in to a beautiful home, filled with love, Jesus, laughter, and messy moments. She knows what it is like to truly seek God in moments of despair and yearning. She is stronger than an ox, and a pillar of spiritual strength.

Krystyn is getting married within the next year. She is in the beginning moments of planning everything for the wedding. Krys is at an amazing, hectic, and beautiful time in her life. This is the time that her kids will ask about in the future, and her family's story is beginning.

I leave for Africa in a little over 3 weeks, and will be gone for at least a year and a half. It is absolutely what God is calling me to do, and I have no doubt about that. My life is also about to change in a huge way, but in a far different way from either of them.

We are all three at entirely different parts of our lives. We are about to have different celebrations, different upsets, different worries, different prayers. Yet this is exactly why I find special friendships to be so beautiful. We are able to come together and be united, through our walks with Christ, and through our walks in life.

Unite with others. Listen to their stories and share yours. It will always be vastly different from others in many ways, but that's what makes it yours. Feel things deeply and don't be afraid of how it may change you. Be open, be loving, and be accepting. Take little journeys on to someone else's path, just long enough to gain a understanding of life in their shoes....but then go right back to yours, because it will be awful lonely in the mean time.

This week I took my blindfold off to regular things that are actually incredible. Having a baby, a miracle baby. Getting married to the love of your life, someone that is your other half. Starting a new journey and holding nothing back, throwing all caution to the wind.

Don't ever let yourself start to view a miracle as 'regular', because a miracle isn't defined by how many times it happens. It is possible that we are just loved enough to live amidst them.

Boxes

The paster at the church I attend talked one morning about how people often put God in "boxes", only accessing or even noticing certain aspects of Him when it's convenient. I think we can tend to do this with life. As we grow, we put the good things in one, the really good things in another, sad things in one, and the make-you-want-to-let-your-mascara-filled-tears-fall-in-to-a-tub-of-double-chocolate-ice-cream moments in another. It's really easy and convenient to only get in to a box when we want it, and keep the others at distance when we don't. It's easy to only let the people around us see specific parts of our lives, our thoughts, and our souls. Not only are we kidding those around us when we do this, but we are kidding ourselves: taking pieces of ourselves away, and clouding our hearts from being seen by others and also seeing the beauty in things around us.....even within the really grim things.

This blog is about un-fogging our hearts and our minds. It's about taking off the blindfold to the things we are too scared to see, or too worried to notice. 

Taking off the blindfold to see ourselves, others, God, beauty, fear, faith, love, sadness, pain, and all the others things that this crazy-beautiful world brings us.

Because when we do, I think we will experience what life is really all about....with eyes and hearts wide open.